Language Arms to Blue Whales

Wombs for rent

Outsourcing develops in new territory.

Here at Vikas Sagar Farms, we have belief in quality babies and Warcraft monies and equipments. That is why we only use the most efficient WoW miners, grow fetus in the top quality wombs of India's most radiant, malaria resistant, and nubile of women, and use time-honored and cost-effective baby harvest procedure. For just the price of a cup of coffee per day, we will take your sperm and your Warcraft character and reach it its fullest potential of quality people for a personalized product that is right for you. We also have quality insurance plans available. In the case that your cow dies of starvation or disease or shanty is wash away in monsoon or is demolished by Mumbai police, we will have trans-uteral surgery performed by our experience tattoo artist, Vilayanur Ramachandran, to move your fetus to another womb. We offer reduced prices for larger batches of kits, as we are trying to raise the 1500 rupees ($38.00 USD) to replace our office's sari cloth wall with poured concrete, replace the asbestos-sheeting roof, and pay for fertility drugs for our wombs. Also, this month only try our special opportunity "Brahma Creator Bonus" deal: donate two of your offsprings to our Warcraft miners team and get one baby free! You also will receive a dividend of all Warcraft monies your Brahma Kids mine for the rest of their live: you plant the seeds of a lifelong investment in prosperity!

Vikas Sagar Farms: choose us for zy-gold!


*We offer our most heartfelt condolences to you for any inconsistency of the onlineness of our website. We are currently pirating electricity from Sanjay Ghandi Nagar's power grid, which was itself pirated from Tata Electric, and so we have frequent outage and only enough power to run the 100w light bulb, the iPhone (stolen from tourist), or the laser scalpel at one time. We were given a wind-up lap computer by the graceful Nicholas Negroponte, however, we are only receiving wifi from a visiting Manhattan journalist, and the device has since become bad karma of spyware during the heated escapades of one of the WoW children into the electronic Kama Sutra.

Soldat Des Kinos

Found this stalking around Youtube the other day: Werner Herzog gets sniped during an interview in LA.

The scene brought back memories of when I was up at The Evergreen State College (Olympia WA) in the wilder, geoduckier recesses of Christmas Tree Land. The elevator-permeating, un-deoderized reek of hippy nature. Dodging the crossfire of hard right, WWIII-survivalist buckshot and return salvos of hockey-puck-solid vegan brownies and equally dense pamphlets from the tree-huggers' Ewok city (save on housing expenses!). At the cafeteria, stuffing napkin-wrapped slices of the single pizza into my cargo pants and making a run for it before catching lectures on animal cruelty. At the "advanced", after-hours seminar, getting ass-raped by the howling feminists wielding metal strap-ons and Xeroxed copies of Betty Friedman and Ayn Rand, and liking it. "Envy this, you gazing, filthy fucking Freud-spawn!" The countless raging, styling punks, post-punks, cyberpunks, X-punks. Passing by the field on the way to the bus stop, tossing back a stray tye-dye Frisbee or Koosh ball with a smile to the eternal nudist colony / Woodstock, splayed out there in all it's green, hung-out glory, where the matte white grid and floodlights of a football field would have been installed anywhere else. Keeping my brain from being Nosferatu-ed by the ex-Microserf, hypergeek posthumanists operating the meth-lab and Helios neural uplink in the library.

And let's not forget the largest organization at Evergreen - The EQA - The Evergreen Queer Alliance. Rainbows and pink triangles proudly strewn across every classroom and dormitory. Using the term "gay" in a derogatory manner would get your ass beaten and stuffed headfirst into the trashcan, licking empty hummus containers. Every day is opposite day at Evergreen!

*Wistful tear*

So anyway, during my last semester at Evergreen, in my independent study film theory / production class, I remembered writing a film analysis paper on Werner Herzog, who is often regarded as one of Germany's greatest and most controversial filmmakers "with a singular vision continually blurring the fine line between reality and fiction". (Paper is now lost to the hard drive fairy). It focused on his documentary "Mein liebster Feind - Klaus Kinski" which was itself a documentary of his feature film-documentary ambiguous film "Aguirre: The Wrath of God" and his relationship with famous/infamous German actor Klaus Kinski. The film itself opens with juxtaposed scenes of Kinski curled up in his filthy apartment, having a nervous/megalomaniacal break on camera, and then on his "Jesus Tour", a one-man show in which Kinski reinterpreted the Gospels with Jesus as a ranting psychopath.

"Aguirre" centers on the travels of Lope de Aguirre, who leads a group of conquistadores down the Orinoco River in South America in search of the legendary city of gold, El Dorado. The filming itself was perhaps a more difficult and insane task than the Amazonian bouillon journey it was based on. The cast and crew climbed up mountains, hacked through thick jungle, and rode ferocious Amazonian river rapids on rafts built by natives. At one point, a storm caused a river to flood, burying the film sets underneath several feet of water and destroying all of the rafts built for the film. This flooding was immediately incorporated into the story, as a sequence including a flood and subsequent rebuilding of rafts was shot.

At one point mid-way through the production of Aguirre, Kinski, in a characteristic fit, "quit" the movie in the middle of a scene and started walking off into deep sweltering Amazon jungle. Herzog then threatened to shoot Kinski with eight bullets and use the ninth on himself if he didn't turn around instantly and finish the movie.


"It's not an everyday thing but... it doesn't surprise me to be shot at."

"Of course, [the danger] is out there, but so what? I've done good battle and I've been a good soldier of cinema, and that's what I want to be."

--Werner Herzog, on being shot in the abdomen during an interview in LA, and his filmmaking style.


Soldier indeed.

(optional addendum)

Irashyaimase, Chris san!

Today I had phone sex my oral exam my over-the-phone test with my Japanese professor. She has such a charming, hot little Kansai voice and demeanor, I can't help toggling between feeling like I'm in an incensed Kyoto antique store, and then in some tentacle hentai with the innocent one animated with perpetual "carrot eyes". She makes you feel in an instant like she is completely into your trip, even when she's not pretending. It's hard to parse that she speaks perfect English as well (Japanese is her SL). And then add to the cake that she's a part-time writer. It was the most enjoyable and stress-less test I think I've ever had, even though I was freaking out before, as I'd accidentally-on-purpose forgot to study. For this one, I had to make like I was inviting her to my party; date, time, directions, etc.. I couldn't quite tell when the oral was done, as she kept on chatting beyond the scope of the test about what sort of things she should bring to the party, if she could get a ride, what she should wear. I think I almost wanted to tell her she should bring Cool Whip and wear that JAL flight attendant outfit. ^.^;

So she's forty-something... Those post-graduate years get lost in translation.

こぶけせんせい, こんばんわ。

こんしゅうのきんょうび、わたしのたんじょうびのために、パーテをするつもりです。
私のうちにはちじからじゅうにじまでですけど、バレボルゲームから、くじのあとにたくさんひとがくるはずです。

がっこうで、まっすぐ行って、ふたつ目のしんごうをみぎにまがります。　このみちをまっすぐ行って、ふたつめのこうさてんをひだりにまがると、みぎがわに私の家があります。　つきあたりの　てまいです。　

ばんごはんのために、わたしはたべものをかっておきます。　でも、ビールをまだ買っていない。　私はX-Boxがひとつだけありますけど、ロじゃさんはX-Boxをもってくることができるとおもいます。　私のともだちとクラスメートをしょうたいします。　にじゅうひとぐらいくるはずです。　

きませんか。

Das Boot Der Kinder

Diving into production now, I reviewed this masterwork last night as part of my maritime and cinematographic research. Jürgen Prochnow's German u-boat captain is up there in my top-five captain performances.









"It's better to take photos on our return from the mission.

"What do you mean?"

"They'll have grown beards by then. The British will be ashamed to see these shaven faces. Pale-faced kids. Innocents dragged from mama's skirt. Sailing with them makes you feel so old. Like I'm on some Children's Crusade. "

Movie Pirate Like Pro

My generous friend and auter-in-crime, Roberto, has given me the greatly honoring placement of besmirching his $3g Sony HDR FX1 hi-def cam with my motes of flecked Chernobyl-green paint, teh flavor of rock-salted ocean-in-my-sink, and the spicy leather aroma of megaponderous trenchcoat. To repay this great favoring -- that makes my dusty, Half-Life 1 resolution mini DV with dysfunctioning monitor appear as worthy of being no more than a Stalker set-piece -- I shall give bountiful assistance in both histrionics and Gaeta-esque magicianry to his noir detective themed punk music video gig, within a future weekend. I am glad to award it three and one half red stars out of four. The camera, that is.


And today, put on my pirate bandanna and raided the Savers near me for antique hats, fructose corn syrup-free blood, assorted gothery, wigs, seamen chic, midwakh pipes, and other cinema potential-laden thrift.

All that booty - $42.99

Sony HDR FX1 - shanghaied

Four inch periwinkle-calico shag minotaur suit with false knee and resin-cast digitigrade hooves - few days sweetening up cosplay geek seamstress friend girl with my timber-shivering rum.


Being completely Awesome - $14.99 (pre-order now and SAVE %30!)




Throw in a 20% digital media income tax credit courtesy of the Hawaii Film Office, sets you back about $50. Both Mastercards tied behind my back. Arrr.

Eat it, Kevin Smith!